My Russian Father

(Referring to my cat Maggie)

Me: ” Maggie, your like a little sphincter muscle…”

Father: “..Always Tight..”

It was sooo wrong, but soo funny :)

Father: “What to do…?”

Me: “Go get laid.” 

Father: “…and then what?”

Me: “huh?”

Father: “Only 20 minutes and then what?”

Me: “Talk about your future life with her.”

Father: “Uh huh, that’s what I need….” 

(Telling me to look at his back whilst in bed)

Me: “You better not show me your penis.”

Father: “If I show you my penis, you will be jealous.”

Anonymous asked: If you were going to be stuck on a deserted island, and you could only take 5 things, what would you take?

The longer I live, the word “Item” are less important … to 
survive, no matter where You’re, I would choose:
1 - Love. If you love no one or nobody likes you, you do not need 
to survive, you’re already dead …
2 - Balls.In order to survive and be successful you need a lot of 
Balls …
3 - Your culture and roots, so that you do not forget who you are 
when survive.
4 - Your knowledge and experience to survive, to build your own 
home, no matter how it looks … but your own …
Before I call the fifth “Item”: a little story about a Jewish 
father and son (as I’ve heard) … Son goes to train, and says to 
his neighbor: “I have not seen my dad for many years. And at the 
next station, I’m finally going to met him “…The train slowly 
going past the station. Son opens window saw father and yells: 
“Daddy do you shiting Good?”… Papa waved hand and yelling back: 
“Good!”… Son closes the window, the train picks up speed… Son 
says to his huh neighbor: “If the Dad shiting good, it means he 
eats well. If he eats well, then he may well provide for 
themselves. If he can provide for themselves well, then he’s all 
right …
Item number Five: If you have love, Balls for success, Your roots 
and place, called home, then you’re all right … Only one Item 
you really need in this case of survive- a roll of the best and 
softest toilet paper …

I feel compelled to write this.

My Russian Father just walked up into my room and started talking to me. He then saw my desktop and noticed DMX as my wallpaper.

Father: “Who is this guy? I forgot.”

Me: “It’s DMX, he’s my favorite rapper.”

Father: ” Oh that’s right, DMX, he’s pretty chill.”

For those who know my dad and have heard him talk, this was by far the most amazing statement he has ever made :)

Father: “Actually I gotta piss.”

Me: “Well there’s the bathroom and there’s the backyard….or the sink if your really determined.”

Father: “The sink’s too high and the bathroom rattles……..so the backyard works, the backyard works.”

It’s been a while since I posted on here, but I just got one!

Father: “I bought you a bottle of Bacardi Gold.”

Me: “Why? Is there a special occasion?”

Father: “No, my son just needs something to consume.”

Me: “Why didn’t you just buy me a woman?” 

Father: ” Because I can’t buy YOU a woman, but I can buy you alcohol and maybe when I’m older you’ll do the same for me.”

Me: “Buy you alcohol or a woman?….cause you know, the older you get the more expensive they are.”

Father: “Fuck you!” 

I pour myself a shot of Tequila and start walking upstairs.

Father: “You pour yourself and don’t even drink with father?!” 

Me: “Yeah.”

Father: “Goddamn, your an asshole. You were BORN an asshole.” 

Hands me fork with the pointy things towards me.

Me: “That’s not the polite way to hand someone a fork”

Father: “Is there a polite way to say “Fuck You” to someone?

So My Russian Father came up to me this morning and told me to change the blog. You can now ask whatever you please to my dad :) The “Ask me shit” has now changed to “Feel free to ask My Russian Father anything.”